An Anthology of Sorts

Here are all the ramblings, snippets, and stream-of-conscious poems I’ve written over the last four months. A lot of it is really more spoken-word than anything else, which maybe excuses the rhythm? Some of these are no more than a sentence, they really are scratchings of poems, in the development stage. These are all very, very personal, and a large part of me thinks I should have more self-preservation skills. Future me, if you’re reading, please don’t cringe too much. We’ve all got to start somewhere.

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Be gentle.

The Chair

Sorry I don’t fit into your worldview
You keep trying to find out why I’m here
But maybe I don’t have a fucking purpose
Maybe I’m just ‘meant’ to disappear

Winter blues
If you’re like a zombie from lack of sleep
We’ve got a drug for that
If you’re so lonely you could weep
We’ve got a drug for that
So pour some Prozac in your coffee and try not to cry
Kid they’re gonna work you till you die

Suicidal soulmates
I make my keep keeping people from the ledge
I have a spotless record, none been driven off the edge
But that’s not success
They sit, by the precipice
Once inch from splicing their bodies from their souls
And for once I want to see my friends grow old

A meditation on the education system and personal statements
My life is one thousand characters short.*

The Dumper
My mum said she was happy because she knew you’d never break my heart
But even then I knew that that foretold the worst
Because believe me it’s better to have your heart ripped out your chest
Than to be the one holding the still-beating organ in your bloody hand mouthing ‘sorry’ over and over again like a broken promise

Sleep
And yes I’m so sleep-deprived I’m delirious
But if I can talk a friend down from a knife edge
Or even just talk when they need it
I will do it
Even if it takes all night
But sometimes
Sometimes
A girls gotta sleep

Migrating for winter
I’ll come back in the spring
Like birds on the roam
I don’t think I can stay here for winter
Though this is my home

Nebulous
Brothers or lovers
Or palemates or stalemates
It doesn’t matter either way
The only thing clear in this whole fucking mess
Is that I need you to stay

Freedom and peace
Two small figures on the horizon
The boy haunted by his past
And the girl fearful of her future
They joined hands and for a moment-
Just a moment-
Found peace in the still, sweet air of today.

The day I found out you chose her
My heart made plans
And my head picked holes
But in the end it didn’t matter
Because your heart picked holes
While your head made plans
And I wasn’t in them.

This was all a childish fantasy and you should have known better
Our house by the sea was perfect in every way
Until the tide came in
And that’s when I realised that our house
Our strong foundations
Our solid walls
It was nothing
Nothing
But
A sandcastle
Now I realise the tide has cut me off
Now I realise you’d already left the beach

Hummingbird and swallow
Did you ever hear the story of the hummingbird that fell in love with the swallow?

She was kept in a gilded cage
And was perfectly fine with that
Till one day she spied a swallow soaring
And thought, ‘I’d like to do that.’

She sang to him every day
And always he’d sing back
Her rainbow colours completed
His iridescent black.

So one day she decided
To join him in the sky
She squeezed straight through the bars
All she wanted was to fly.

She hadn’t paid attention.
She really should have known.
The bars with blades tore her wings off
She fell to th’ground below.

Now all that’s left ‘s a gilded cage
With two bright rainbow wings
And perched above in solitude
The swallow never sings.

Please don’t lose faith in me
I know her love’s dependable
She’s fucking Amazon Prime
She does next day delivery
Always gets there on time.

I know my love is crude and young
And doesn’t understand
But all I know is I feel right
When you take my hand.

I know that she’s the safer bet
But I beg you, bet on me
Cos I know that you’d feel my love
For all eternity.

The Beach
I found out that day that you are not the chosen one
For you could not walk on water
But you carried me over the waves just to stop my feet getting wet
And darling, that means more to me
Than mere miracles ever could

Flaws
I love you.
I love all of the beautiful parts of you.
I love your icy eyes and the soul they reveal.
I love your caring hands and they way they perfectly fit mine.
I love your sweet sweet smile and the way when your lips meet mine I am instantly floating
And yet
Grounded.

But that is easy.
That is child’s play.
Phoenixes flock to explore the vast oceans of your eyes
You do not need to be an astronomer to study the intricate constellations of the freckles on your face
And as for your kiss, well darling you’re damn good at that, only madmen would say otherwise.

But many will recoil when they find those waters filled with sharks
When they realise that, after all, the stars we see have been dead for thousands of years
When they see that you’re not a god but a man-
A man that perplexes the universe itself
So it tears you apart with its fascination and it’s ire
And leaves you
Tattered and fluttering in the wind.
Don’t think I am deluded or naive,
When you read your own palm
I looked on with fear and awe
But I did not turn away
And darling, if you only have six years
I will give you enough memories to last for sixty.

I will pick up these pieces.
I cannot promise I will piece you back together
For better men have tried and failed
But I will love your shattered remains.

I do not love you despite your flaws.
And, make no mistake, I do not love you because of them,
From a desire to fix something because I cannot fix myself.
No.
I love all of you,
Because I know that to truly love your oceans,
I must learn to trust the sharks.

You
Before I met you, my life was black and white.
Then you came, and it became technicolor,
But now you’ve trampled on my heart
And spat on it for good measure
All I see is
Red.

Thank you
I hated you at first
But now I owe you my gratitude
Thank you for stomping my heart
Deep into the earth
Because what I thought was a burial
Was a resurrection
For my heart was not a corpse
But a seed
Now I will grow
Into something far more than you can ever be.

Phoenix
She said I lit up when I talked about you
Turns out you’d just set me on fire
God it hurts
But through my gritted teeth I know
My melting skin will turn to ash
And I will rise again.

After dreaming of you
After dreaming of you
I realised that if you gave me the chance
I’d take you back in a heartbeat
And that’s the hardest part of all this
Wondering what happened
To my self-respect

I can’t get you out of my head
Oh how painful it is
To know
That you are always on my mind
And I probably haven’t even crossed yours

New Years resolution
To text so many people
That you don’t appear in my recent contacts

*i must confess, this doesn’t belong to me. A friend of mine said it and I thought it was so insightful that I had to work it into a poem somehow. I haven’t got that far yet, so it remains as a note on my phone.

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