Life update, anyone?

So, it’s been a while since I’ve actually talked about my life on here, what I’m getting up to and such. I thought I’d just give you a quick rundown of what I’m up to at the moment.

This is what I currently look like:

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Right now, I’m on holiday for another week until I go back to university. Being at home has been really rewarding and relaxing: I’ve spent most of the time chilling with my parents, watching a lot of tv, and catching up with all the little subgroups of friends who’re normally scattered all over the country.

As you’ll know if you read my previous post, I am also learning to be properly single for the first time in… 19 months? I sort of hopped from my first, not very serious and short lived relationship straight into my second, more serious ‘ride or die’ style relationship which lasted just over a year. My friends and family have been so supportive and there for me, and if you’re reading this and belong to either of those categories I’d like to take a moment to say thank you, so much. I’ve been keeping myself busy when I don’t have plans too: I’m slowly learning to play guitar and I’ve been reading a lot, and sketching. I still spend way too much time mulling over everything, reminiscing, and wondering what I could have done differently to prevent this from happening. But I think that I’ve got to accept that that’s going to be the case for a very long time and just keep on doing my thing.

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On Sunday night, I will be going back to university- that is, for those of you who don’t know, the University of Exeter, which I haven’t really spoken about on here! Exeter is amazing, it really is. It’s not a city, I don’t care what people say, and entitled rich kids are the worst kind of students to be around, but even these detriments haven’t stopped me from having such an amazing time. What is really good about uni is the creative opportunities it brings. In the past six months, I have acted in a radio series, performed in a coffee shop, put on a play in 48 hours, competed in a poetry slam- and those were just extra-curricular activities!!

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My course itself is incredible. In theory in first term, we learnt about the various different modes of analysing theatre. But the practical half of my course is what I really fell in love with. We were taught by a crazy Russian woman called Olya who is genuinely one of my favourite people in the world. And even though the course isn’t really naturalism in any way, I enjoyed myself so much.

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I’ve sorted out a place to live, and I’m so excited to live with people who actually appreciate me and include me, unlike the majority of my current flatmates. I honestly can’t wait. My friendship group has chopped and changed over the course of my first year at uni, but I feel like I’ve found a really lovely set of people who I can depend on.

As for next term, my academic year is over, so I only have a few essays to do. However, I will be spending next term doing some very exciting projects, which I will probably be posting about on here. I’m performing in two shows, a short film, and I will hopefully be making a few short films of my own to put on YouTube!! To counter the difficult process of getting over my relationship, I’m spending as much time on creative endeavours as possible, and I’m genuinely really excited for the next few months.

…That’s about everything, I think. Till the next time!!

El x

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Unravel.

The rather apt prompt of today.

Unfortunate, really, I was hoping to avoid my problems via the prompts, but I’m denied even that small luxury.

What has unravelled recently in my life? Aside from the threading of my jumper and my sanity, my relationship has recently died a death.

There’s not a lot I really want to say on here, to be honest. I’m a  very open person, and I like to tell every passing stranger my deepest darkest secrets, which as an actor and poet, is a part of my nature. But for once, I am not compelled to share all in the slightest. The whole story, of course, can only ever be known to him and me, but the people in our lives who have the closest thing to the full picture are my parents, his close friends, and a few carefully selected friends of mine. Some have got the vague explanation. Most, a brief, catch-all statement of the trials of long distance, when asking. I have not at any point lied or misinformed, just for once in my life I have kept something back for myself. Kept a secret for my sanity, if you will.

You, dearest readers, are scarily anonymous, and it is tempting to forget your existence in all its corporeal-ness and spill to you, an unthinking, unbiased blank canvas. But that isn’t what you are, really. You’re a loud and divided smattering of individuals all over the globe, and a fair few of you are my friends in real life, from home or university. One of you may even be the ex in question. Hi, if you’re reading. I still love you, and I don’t care there’s an audience of 80-odd people watching me say that. I’ve never been put off by a crowd. I will feel this way for some time, I know, and yet I also know, deep in my bones, that this decision was right for both of us, even if it sucks right now. Ask your best mate. I’m sure he’ll bad-mouth me and make you feel better.

It’s a weird thing, isn’t it? Say it out loud. Ex. Boyfriend. Ex. Girlfriend. Ex. Ex. X. Why are they supposed to denote kisses anyway? Why choose something to be a blessing and a blow? So much passion in one little letter. An x has the power to heal all wounds… or to unravel them.

I wrote a poem, once, called X. I’d put it up here, but it’s a poem about us separating, and I promised him I wouldn’t share our poetry now.

Shame. It kind of captures the moment. “We are over and it’s weird and sad”. Kind of couldn’t put it more accurately, I guess.

In the course of the inevitable unravelling, I’ve managed to balance myself out, be somewhat objective and analytical, and pretend to the world that I am not, in fact, grieving for the loss of a future I invested in with the optimism that only someone who is experiencing first love can bring. I have moments when I want to undo the decision and work things out between us. I have moments of indescribable anger, at myself and at him, thinking if we’d just done this or that differently, maybe we could’ve survived. I spend a lot of my time either drowning in regret and terrified that I’ve made a terrible mistake, or deeply guilty for the hurt I’ve caused.

Unravelling the relationship doesn’t mean we’re erasing it, doesn’t mean we’re undoing anything. We’re just returning us both to our original states, if you like. But even when you unravel a jumper, the wool isn’t the same as it used to be. There are kinks in the yarn, faded parts and thinned fabric by the elbows. It’ll never be the same, and there’s something quite beautiful about that.

God that’s pretentious as hell.

I am very fortunate to be able to say that I have not regretted my time in this relationship, neither am I regretful (at least not yet) of how it ended. Once it became clear that in spite of all our efforts it just wasn’t viable anymore, we parted on good terms, without missing a beat. Without dropping a stitch.

To my significant other (because even if we aren’t together anymore, you’re going to be my significant other for a long time now), I hope you are doing the best you can, and I hope we will reconnect in the future, in a different kind of relationship. Perhaps a scarf would be better this time. They’re easier to make, and if lost, unlike a wooly jumper, their absence doesn’t make you feel so cold.

Spring is coming, anyhow. Perhaps its time we learned how to keep ourselves warm.

Wishing everyone a happy Easter and a brighter future,

El x

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/unravel/

#RedInstead: Why I’m saying no to Autism Speaks

“Oh, it’s the Nazis calling. They want their eugenics back” remains one of the best things I have ever written.
Happy Autism Awareness Month, everyone.

Adventures of an Anti-social Extrovert

Okay, so I promise I will give you all a life update soon. I have plenty of ideas and not a lot of time but I’m planning to spend time writing a load of posts in advance. Don’t hold me to that, though. You know what I’m like in terms of posting!

First things first, though: why the makeover?

April is Autism Awarness month. This is around the time that Autism Speaks, the world’s most well-known autism charity, will start blazoning everything with the slogan: ‘Light It Up Blue’. Millions of well-meaning people will donate money to this charity, believing they are contributing to helping autistic people.

This is not the case.

In reality, Autism Speaks bears more resemblance to a hate group than anything else. Their primary objective is to find a cure for autism. Now, if you’ve ever met an autistic person, and said there were ways to…

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