It’s not an emotion I feel very often, to be honest. Despite my sparky personality, below the overexcitable surface, I’m quite mellow.
But some things just make me see red. This is one of those days.
The why isn’t important. In fact, as soon as this post is over, I won’t be thinking about the why. It will be erased from my mind. I just need to write about the rage itself to calm myself down.
When I’m really angry, I find that cleaning or dancing tends to use my rage productively, getting rid of excess energy. When I was younger I used to kick the walls when I got mad. I have always been a violent little person.
I also like to put music on that reflects my mood, and if I’m walking around anywhere, I probably look like I’m on a very serious mission because I just have this absolute death glare.
Because I get truly angry so rarely, it’s generally been building up for a long time. One of the biggest explosions recently was when a member of my ensemble in drama was being really patronising. In reality, whilst she was unpleasant and we will most likely never be friends, she didn’t really deserve the absolute vitriol that was launched her way. No, she just happened to be a perfect manifestation of a lifetime of being patronised, looked down at and talked down to by all sorts of peers, but particular popular girls. I finally stood up for myself after years of standing up for my friends and brushing aside my problems, and it worked!
This time though, this time I didn’t realise that I was angry until it all came spilling out today. I haven’t expressed this anger, because I honestly don’t think it would make a difference at this point and I don’t want to cause upset. So I decided to do the healthy thing and write about it (and post it online El…? Okay, I get this is a public platform, but most of the people I’ve spoken to like this blog for it’s open honesty, so I’m not going to pretend I’m fine. I don’t like going into detail, sure, but I want to be open with you all).
I think I get angry at injustice more than anything else. Of course, that extends into social justice, I’ve said on here before that that sort of thing really sets me off. I’m a hufflepuff (and a decent bit slytherin too!), so I have a sense of right and wrong and a very strong moral compass. I’m pretty naive, so there are many things I will do that I won’t realise are potentially hurtful. Once I realise what I’ve done, I feel so guilty, and I apologise as many times as it takes. But my dad has a philosophy that I always try to follow: above all else, be kind. I guess I get angry when I do everything to treat another human being with kindness, whilst doing what needs to be done, and I get repaid with neutrality or downright negative responses. If I was a truly good person, I would be able to continue to be kind anyway; I would accept that sometimes people won’t be kind, or forgiving, or patient like I try to be. I’m trying to learn to love everyone, in spite of what they might do or say. It’s hard, though. I’m still on the fence about whether that’s the right attitude to adopt during such fragmented time. Love doesn’t always win. Acceptance and tolerance, sure, but that’s not a one-woman job.
I think the truth is, it’s hard to be kind unconditionally because rage is rarely a lone emotion.
Usually it comes with a sense of hurt or grief.
Sorry if this was a bit rambly and incoherent, I needed to calm myself down and get stuff off my chest.
This is quite dark and depressing for me, I promise I’ll get back to my chipper self soon!
Love, El x